I smell a digital media conspiracy.
And it goes a little something like this.
Buoyed by the web hits created by Sachsgate in 2008, shadowy online content czars representing each of the UK’s main media outlets meet somewhere secret.
On their agenda is just one topic, to discuss how such snowballing scandals can replace the outmoded fallbacks of Princess Diana and Big Brother, which have served their printed front pages so well.
They hatch a plan. It involves a new breed of media consumer they call the Twitterati – crucial for fuelling the scandal – and an idea stolen from America, where partisan commentators such as Glenn Beck have given up on reporting news and decided to become the story, realising that this is quicker than waiting for the next celeb to stumble into their fake outrage trap.
Silently, the Daily Mail’s czar summons Jan Moir.
Despite being a meeting of digital minds there is a low-tech National Lottery draw feel to proceedings and Jan plucks a ball from the modified bingo machine.
It reads ‘Gay Scandal’.
She nods gravely and steps down to make way for The Times’ AA Gill. His face breaks into a grin as he sees ‘Dead Baboon Scandal’ on his.
Next up is The Guardian’s Charlie Brooker. He triumphantly holds up his choice in the light like a Hobbit with a quest. It states ‘Jan Moir Scandal’.
And so it begins.
The digital age of scandal after media scandal.
One columnist implements it, a hashtag is born, another columnist covers it. A bazillion page impressions for everyone later we move on.
Sat in his car outside a pet shop with a lottery ball which simply instructs: ‘Punch a kitten’.